Following the announcement of his candidacy, Mighty Cthulhu was the recipient of a deluge of media inquiries regarding his position on the most important political issues of the 2008 presidential campaign. He issued the following statement through his new campaign spokesman, Johnny Slutman:
War: Great Cthulhu enthusiastically embraces the War on Poverty, the War on Terror, the Occupation of Afghanistan and the Occupation of Iraq. He supports the expansion of these petty and half-hearted, but glorious mortal efforts and further promises that, when elected, he will launch a War on Death, a War on Confusion, and will personally occupy no fewer than three additional formerly sovereign foreign nations, beginning with Swaziland.
Immigration: Great Cthulhu is a mighty proponent for the continued importation of all edible foodstuffs, without restriction. He is a strong advocate of the cooking pot concept of immigration and appreciates the rich and delicious contributions immigrants have made to American culture; he very much enjoys devouring Mexican cuisine, especially virgin Latinas of fewer than 18 years.
Taxes: Great Cthulhu is neutral on tax rates, as it is his custom to simply take what he wants, when he wants it. He has no particular interest in pieces of green paper backed solely by religious dogma; he permits his devotees to collect as much paper in as many colors as they happen to like.
Supreme Court judges: Great Cthulhu is well accustomed to the adoration of priests wearing black robes and he is willing to accept the due homage of the Nine and raise them to his priesthood. Since there will no doubt be many vacancies on the court as their minds break one after another in the mad ecstacy of his fearful presence, Great Cthulhu pledges to appoint only strict Constitutional constructionists to the bench under the assumption that the basic sanity of their approach should allow them to serve at least a term year or two before they are reduced to gloriously gibbering cannibals. Because Great Cthulhu spent many years himself neither living nor breathing, he sees no reason that the Constitution must either.
Great Cthulhu also asked me to express his desire to wish the entire American voting electorate a Happy Valentine's Day as well as his deep appreciation for the hundreds of still-beating hearts that his worshippers have offered him on this most hallowed day.
Ia! Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fthagn!