Thursday, February 14, 2008

A statement on the issues of the day

Following the announcement of his candidacy, Mighty Cthulhu was the recipient of a deluge of media inquiries regarding his position on the most important political issues of the 2008 presidential campaign. He issued the following statement through his new campaign spokesman, Johnny Slutman:

War: Great Cthulhu enthusiastically embraces the War on Poverty, the War on Terror, the Occupation of Afghanistan and the Occupation of Iraq. He supports the expansion of these petty and half-hearted, but glorious mortal efforts and further promises that, when elected, he will launch a War on Death, a War on Confusion, and will personally occupy no fewer than three additional formerly sovereign foreign nations, beginning with Swaziland.

Immigration: Great Cthulhu is a mighty proponent for the continued importation of all edible foodstuffs, without restriction. He is a strong advocate of the cooking pot concept of immigration and appreciates the rich and delicious contributions immigrants have made to American culture; he very much enjoys devouring Mexican cuisine, especially virgin Latinas of fewer than 18 years.

Taxes: Great Cthulhu is neutral on tax rates, as it is his custom to simply take what he wants, when he wants it. He has no particular interest in pieces of green paper backed solely by religious dogma; he permits his devotees to collect as much paper in as many colors as they happen to like.

Supreme Court judges: Great Cthulhu is well accustomed to the adoration of priests wearing black robes and he is willing to accept the due homage of the Nine and raise them to his priesthood. Since there will no doubt be many vacancies on the court as their minds break one after another in the mad ecstacy of his fearful presence, Great Cthulhu pledges to appoint only strict Constitutional constructionists to the bench under the assumption that the basic sanity of their approach should allow them to serve at least a term year or two before they are reduced to gloriously gibbering cannibals. Because Great Cthulhu spent many years himself neither living nor breathing, he sees no reason that the Constitution must either.

Great Cthulhu also asked me to express his desire to wish the entire American voting electorate a Happy Valentine's Day as well as his deep appreciation for the hundreds of still-beating hearts that his worshippers have offered him on this most hallowed day.

Ia! Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fthagn!

47 comments:

Mariano said...

Candidate Cthulu,

I think that you better start thinking about how you will respond to the negative campaign ads that will surely be launched against you.
Perhaps a wave of conniption inducing maddness, for starters.

Have you thought about a campaign theme song yet?
Metallica wrote a nice tune about you some time ago, it’s called “The Thing That Should Not Be.”

Perhaps your campaign logo could play off of Obama’s “Change” theme:
CTHULU for PRESIDENT
Changing The Thing That Should Not Be

ManiaC Provost said...

So apparently Dread Lord Cthulu is a Republican. Well, he'll excite the base more than McCain.

suecae_disco said...

Go Cthulu!

Cthulu for world dictator 2010!

David said...

If- I mean, when Cthulhu wins, who is he going to choose for his cabinet? Yog-Sothoth for Secretary of Transportation? Nyarlathotep for Director of National Intelligence? There are so many choices for him to make...

Mariano said...

I was thinking about possible negative campaigns again candidate Cthulu again.

I could just see it now, “Oh, well, Cthulu is out of touch, having been in a timeless sleep for, oh, how long now – a few millennia.”

Logic would perhaps be the best route to take in this case. Cthulu could say, “My opponents accuse be of being in a timeless sleep for millennia yet, how do they determine how long it was considering that it was, after all, ‘timeless.’”

Ultimately, Cthulu could win by simply siphoning a few billion gallons of oil from another dimension and spewing them forth from various orifices during a debate.

Julia said...

That is utterly brilliant.

Tondar said...

You had a great thing here. It's a shame it had to end 9 months before the election. What happened, get knocked up with Satan's spawn?

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