Thursday, February 7, 2008

In which I rise

After a long and restful slumber, I was awakened momentarily by the worshipful screams of some of my more enthusiastic followers. Now, I enjoy a good "IA IA IA" and ritual sacrifice as much as the next elder deity, but sometimes a god just wants to sleep in. I felt much better after making an unexpected personal appearance and bringing the festivities to a horrific and bloody end, but by that time I was already up and it was too late to get back to sleep.

I was interested to learn that with Rudy Giuliani dropping out of the campaign to elect a president in the United States, there appeared to be an opening for a Greater Evil. And who, I might ask the American voting public, would be a Greater Evil than me, my own bad self? Anyhow, my Earth-spanning kingdom has long been prophesied and a god has to start somewhere after all. So, I sent a hellhound to acquire the necessary paperwork and managed to fill it out with the help of a secretary from the Federal Elections Commission that he thoughtfully brought back in his slavering jaws. Unfortunately, her mind apparently broke or something under the close proximity to my terrible worshipfulness and when the hound returned her to Washington D.C., she neglected to turn in the paperwork, instead slaughtering six of her co-workers with her bare teeth and hands.

Oh, how my tentacles shook with laughter when I heard that she was discovered gnawing on the detached spinal cord of the Assistant Undersecretary to the Vice-Chairperson! But my good humor was shortlived, because I learned to my dismay that I'm still not formally considered an official candidate yet, my divine revelation notwithstanding. It seems the appropriate bureaucrat has to give me the appropriate rune of approval or whatever. I'm not really in the mood to deal with all that tedious paperwork again, so instead I ripped off the head of a marine biologist doing research at Mawson and sent it to the FEC with the blank forms, a self-addressed stamped envelope and a note written in blood that said "This could be you. Please approve my candidacy." I hope to hear back from them by Monday, Tuesday at the latest.

I'm still working on my platform and I haven't hired any big name political consultants yet, but I think I have a definite edge in both experience and deityhood, so my platform will probably take advantage of those two factors. Also, let's face it, no one would dare to mess with a country ruled by the iron tentacle of an Elder God, so I think defense should be a strong issue for me.

Thank you for your support.



Jonathan said...

You claim to have a lot of powers but where is the proof? If you could make Bill O' Reilly a gibbering idiot...

Hmmm, no that wouldn't prove anything.

Boxer shorts or briefs?

Anonymous said...

Um, I vote Republican and I find Bill O'Reilly to be a gibberring idiot.