Thursday, February 14, 2008

A statement on the issues of the day

Following the announcement of his candidacy, Mighty Cthulhu was the recipient of a deluge of media inquiries regarding his position on the most important political issues of the 2008 presidential campaign. He issued the following statement through his new campaign spokesman, Johnny Slutman:

War: Great Cthulhu enthusiastically embraces the War on Poverty, the War on Terror, the Occupation of Afghanistan and the Occupation of Iraq. He supports the expansion of these petty and half-hearted, but glorious mortal efforts and further promises that, when elected, he will launch a War on Death, a War on Confusion, and will personally occupy no fewer than three additional formerly sovereign foreign nations, beginning with Swaziland.

Immigration: Great Cthulhu is a mighty proponent for the continued importation of all edible foodstuffs, without restriction. He is a strong advocate of the cooking pot concept of immigration and appreciates the rich and delicious contributions immigrants have made to American culture; he very much enjoys devouring Mexican cuisine, especially virgin Latinas of fewer than 18 years.

Taxes: Great Cthulhu is neutral on tax rates, as it is his custom to simply take what he wants, when he wants it. He has no particular interest in pieces of green paper backed solely by religious dogma; he permits his devotees to collect as much paper in as many colors as they happen to like.

Supreme Court judges: Great Cthulhu is well accustomed to the adoration of priests wearing black robes and he is willing to accept the due homage of the Nine and raise them to his priesthood. Since there will no doubt be many vacancies on the court as their minds break one after another in the mad ecstacy of his fearful presence, Great Cthulhu pledges to appoint only strict Constitutional constructionists to the bench under the assumption that the basic sanity of their approach should allow them to serve at least a term year or two before they are reduced to gloriously gibbering cannibals. Because Great Cthulhu spent many years himself neither living nor breathing, he sees no reason that the Constitution must either.

Great Cthulhu also asked me to express his desire to wish the entire American voting electorate a Happy Valentine's Day as well as his deep appreciation for the hundreds of still-beating hearts that his worshippers have offered him on this most hallowed day.

Ia! Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fthagn!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

On the Maryland-Virginia primaries

Cthulhu reflects upon the most recent electoral madness. It is droll. Some will flee or cower in terror while others don robes, sharpen knives and purchase medieval looking candles that were manufactured in the Far East. We love to cast our many-eyed gaze upon this inchoate activity! We imagine that this contented feeling We feel is not unlike what those humans who are still living in the blissful ignorance of their impending doom experience as they consume bloated and "popped" seeds of corn, drizzled with solidified fat that was meant for the nourishment bovine spawn, but now only lubricates and tantalizes the mindless as they sit before their television, watching meaningless entertainment. As doom lurks... Ah.... Ah... delicious.

On the other tentacle, those who embrace their impending doom also provide amusement, but of a different... flavor. The terror they inspire, -- that they are no longer capable of feeling with their fractured minds -- why, it is a sweet savor! And I will gather them to me, when they have done their work, in that same embrace that the other fled in such amusing panic.

Evil you are and evil you must have! The Obama, it is evil. The McCain, it is evil. The Clinton, it is an old and very great evil indeed. But have a one of these lesser evils ever sucked the hot marrow from a dying star, dooming entire races of sapient beings to the grasping ice of the aybss that is the Void? Have they run their tentacles into the sweet, smoking blood of screaming virgins as their conclave of priesteses shriek in mindless Maenadian passion? (Any of them besides the Clinton, that is.) And well we all know that it was not the Obama, the McCain or even the Clinton whose insidious dreams inspired the president of a certain record company to unleash the unmitigated horror that is Maroon 5 on the world.

No, you will vote for Cthulhu because you have no choice... for I am the Greater Evil!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

A correction

Erm... how to say this. Okay, it is with slight embarrassment that I admit yesterday's post was written for me by a professional speechwriter. You see, I was informed that every serious presidential candidate has speechwriters writing his speeches and stuff, so I dialed up the American Enterprise Institute and had them send me one. I don't know what was up with the guy, but he seems to have been completely insane even before approaching my vastiness and looking upon my fearful countenance.

Anyhow, a few of you sent me emails explaining that it's not a feast that is the traditional form of public display of might before the voting electorate, but rather something called a debate, whatever that is. My challenge stands; it is one. No matter what the field of strife may be, my message does not change. It is one! Vote for Cthulhu not to save yourself! You cannot be saved. Vote for Cthulhu not to appease what cannot be appeased! Appeasement shall avail you nothing. Vote for Mighty Cthulhu, vote for the Greater Evil, because you don't even know why your unwilling hand reaches out to grasp the corroded iron lever that bears the Unspeakable Name!

Or, I suppose you could also vote for the McCain for essentially the same reason.


PS - By the way, I am, (erp), in the market for a new speechwriter in case you're interested. Preferably one that didn't eat so much asparagus, if you don't mind.

Friday, February 8, 2008

A challenge to Our rivals

The anguished souls of the devoured scream Our name in tortured raptures of mindless gibberish! Born in the infinity between worlds, outside of time, We think to base Our campaign on a platform of Our divine experience. But is Our mind was so limited? No... Mighty Cthulhu runs on a platform which can not even be expressed in a language that the human mind can grasp! To even begin to understand what We have in store for this facet... of this planet... in this time... on this plane... would stretch my opponents limited minds to an extent that would leave them insane or quaking with an unreasoning fear. Therefore, I challenge the other candidates to a feast!

A feast!

We will devour the Clinton as its indomitable will breaks before the impossible angles of Our mere presence! We will gorge upon the sweet terror of the Obama as it quakes before the dread impossibilities of our ineffable dimensions. We will show the McCain the very gates of Hades in Our gaping octopoid jaws and watch as its mind shatters before the horror of the Hellmouth! And as their minds crumble into tasty morsels of madness, We will show the broken remnants what Comprehensive National Healthcare Coverage means to a transmortal being who was devouring the souls of kings for countless ages before time itself was named and measured!

And then, if Our mere physical proximity of the gathering has not extinguished the flickering and fragile mortal souls before my indomitable essence, We will draw their substance into Our own with a many-tentacled embrace. Like a snow flake on the tongue of the eternally damned will Our adversaries melt before Us.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

I don't like to brag

But facts are facts. Consider:

10:50 AM - Mighty Cthulhu declares presidential candidacy on campaign blog.
12:15 PM - The Romney drops out of presidential race.

Coincidence? I don't think so. The Romney may rule his own planet one day, but he's far from evil enough to compete with an awakened ancient starspawn, right here, right now.

In which I rise

After a long and restful slumber, I was awakened momentarily by the worshipful screams of some of my more enthusiastic followers. Now, I enjoy a good "IA IA IA" and ritual sacrifice as much as the next elder deity, but sometimes a god just wants to sleep in. I felt much better after making an unexpected personal appearance and bringing the festivities to a horrific and bloody end, but by that time I was already up and it was too late to get back to sleep.

I was interested to learn that with Rudy Giuliani dropping out of the campaign to elect a president in the United States, there appeared to be an opening for a Greater Evil. And who, I might ask the American voting public, would be a Greater Evil than me, my own bad self? Anyhow, my Earth-spanning kingdom has long been prophesied and a god has to start somewhere after all. So, I sent a hellhound to acquire the necessary paperwork and managed to fill it out with the help of a secretary from the Federal Elections Commission that he thoughtfully brought back in his slavering jaws. Unfortunately, her mind apparently broke or something under the close proximity to my terrible worshipfulness and when the hound returned her to Washington D.C., she neglected to turn in the paperwork, instead slaughtering six of her co-workers with her bare teeth and hands.

Oh, how my tentacles shook with laughter when I heard that she was discovered gnawing on the detached spinal cord of the Assistant Undersecretary to the Vice-Chairperson! But my good humor was shortlived, because I learned to my dismay that I'm still not formally considered an official candidate yet, my divine revelation notwithstanding. It seems the appropriate bureaucrat has to give me the appropriate rune of approval or whatever. I'm not really in the mood to deal with all that tedious paperwork again, so instead I ripped off the head of a marine biologist doing research at Mawson and sent it to the FEC with the blank forms, a self-addressed stamped envelope and a note written in blood that said "This could be you. Please approve my candidacy." I hope to hear back from them by Monday, Tuesday at the latest.

I'm still working on my platform and I haven't hired any big name political consultants yet, but I think I have a definite edge in both experience and deityhood, so my platform will probably take advantage of those two factors. Also, let's face it, no one would dare to mess with a country ruled by the iron tentacle of an Elder God, so I think defense should be a strong issue for me.

Thank you for your support.